My desire to be alone is something I've dealt with for a long time. I think "struggled with" may be too strong, but there were certainly times when I tried to fight it. This is mostly due to outside influence. I've always been very comfortable by myself. When I was very young, I usually played by myself, not because I couldn't make friends, or even because I didn't want to, but because it didn't occur to me to. I was perfectly satisfied by myself. This is one of the ways I've always identified with Calvin (of "& Hobbes" fame), and found that strip to be a pretty accurate, if stylized, depiction of my early childhood. I was even blonde back then! The difference was just that I didn't have one Hobbes, but many. Since Bill Watterson is a Pynchon level hermit (and come to think of it, even Pynchon was on the Simpsons), I'm sure he spoke from experience.
Later, when I'd have to wait an hour or so after school to be picked up, there were a few times when my dad would show up and they told him I wasn't there. I was. I'd be in the back aisle of the library, reading. I went back there because I'd be left alone. Nothing annoys me more than being bothered while I'm reading. There's been a few times (thankfully not many) when I've been reading and someone will attempt to start a conversation with me, and actually say "I'll talk to you so you don't have to read." But this isn't another of my book loving posts, so I digress.
The point is, people tend to think there's something wrong with wanting to be by yourself. They think there's something inherently wrong with it, and they also think that people like this don't want to be that way. They think we're emotional cripples who just can't deal with other people, or at the very least, need coaxed "out of our shell" and will be grateful when it's done. Nothing could be further from the truth. This is a lie that many introverts buy into, and I think it results in a lot of unhappiness. If I want to be alone, and I am happy being alone, then by all means, leave me alone.
Introvert is a key word here. There are introverts and extroverts, and even if they don't think in these terms, extroverts believe that they are behaving correctly and that introverts have a problem. There's nothing wrong with being an extrovert, if that's who you are. One of the fatal flaws of our culture and civilization (and I use "fatal flaw" quite literally, it will eventually kill us) is the belief that everyone must act in the same way. However, most of the great art, great literature, great scientific discoveries... these predominantly come from introverts. It's just a personality type. For example, consider Stephen Hawking. His disability is very unfortunate, but if he was going to be rendered completely immobile as he has been, it is fortunate that he can have a wonderful time (as his wife once said) inside his head. I could imagine a different sort of man being driven to suicide.
Introvert doesn't mean shy, nor awkward. I'm not sure how much overlap there is, as I can only speak from personal experience; although I did go through a shy phase as a young kid, I am neither of those things. There was a period in my early twenties when I took a personal assessment and realized I had almost no friends. This seemed like a bad thing, because I was listening to the world. Telling someone they don't have friends is calling them a loser. So I tried to make friends, and every friend I made... I didn't particularly like. I had to realize that not having friends doesn't make you a loser. I'm not going to judge someone else, but needing to have a lot of friends might mean you're not comfortable with yourself. Not having friends means you don't want or need people in your life just to have them. If I connect with someone, that's great, but it's probably not going to happen. Most people I meet like me, but I can count the close friends I've had in my life on one hand. And this is not a failing on my part, I'm just not wired to have a lot of relationships. I'm happy that way.
I have been married, and I wouldn't be opposed in principal to being in a one to one pairing like that again, but I don't think I need to be. I don't believe that man is an island, and I wouldn't be happy being completely cut off from all human interaction. Not at all. I just require much, much less of it than a lot of people, and I definitely need a fair amount of time when I'm completely alone, more than most people. I don't like being around people all the time. We're all different. And I say let us be different. Be yourself, and take what you need from life, no less, no more.
It's taken me a long time to come to a sort of understanding of these things, but I'm glad I have, I think I'm going to be much happier in life for it. I would like to own some land far from any cities, and live mostly by myself. I don't want to be a hermit, and I don't want to never interact with anyone. There should be a town I can drive to. I just don't want any neighbors. I can have someone living there with me or not, depends on if they're the right kind of person. I can be happy either way. I don't want to live off the land. I think it's important to know how to do that, but there's no reason to do it just to do it. I just think there might come a time when we have to, and it's knowledge worth having. I don't want an isolated existence, nor a social existence. I want a life that is custom fit for me. Don't we all?
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