As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a lizard monster.

     I saw Pacific Rim yesterday, and I was a child again. It was everything I've always wanted to see: a real artist being given carte blanche and enough money to do a kaiju picture the right way, and it was perfect. There were times in the theater when I got choked up, just overcome with emotion that I was even seeing what I was seeing, because I just didn't think something like this would ever happen. I had a similar experience watching The Dark Knight because it's like that too: Batman being done the right way. The way I'd always wanted but never thought would happen. It's a heady time for me, to be able to see these properties that mean so much to me treated with the respect they deserve, the way I would treat them if I were given the opportunity and the money. I'm grateful to be able to witness it.
     I'm going to talk a little bit today about some of my greatest influences in the realm of entertainment. These are the trinity. The three things that I don't ever remember not loving, they have been a part of my world for my entire life, and each shaped my personality in their own way. Spider-man, the Three Stooges, and Godzilla.

Godzilla

     I can remember being absolutely enraptured by that iconic image of Godzilla. I don't remember the first time I saw it, it had to have been somewhere before my memory starts, but it is one of the iconic images of my life as well as of Big G himself. I don't even think I saw the original 1954 version of Godzilla until my teens. And even that was the dubbed Raymond Burr version, I definitely didn't see the Japanese Gojira until I was well into my twenties. That didn't matter. Godzilla was a force of nature (literally, in this case). He transcended his films. Which is good, cause most of them are actually pretty awful, in any sort of objective sense, and in fact he's a goofy good guy for a lot of the so called Shōwa series. As Frank Booth would say, FUCK THAT SHIT. This was the series of films I mostly grew up watching. It's the infamous guy in a rubber suit. I was young enough that I didn't care, and it actually worked out for the best, because when I got older and discovered the Godzilla films that were actually good, it was like manna from heaven. Kinda like what I was saying earlier, it was a property I loved being treated right. I had no idea such films existed.
     Godzilla was my gateway to all kaiju, and really just giant monsters in general. I love dinosaurs, of course, and you can imagine why. When I learned about them it was like "Wait a minute, there were giant lizard monsters in real life?" I've caught myself more than once thinking "I really need to get a dinosaur tattoo... Wait, I already have one. More than one, actually." I rented every Godzilla movie at the video store, but the three Godzilla tapes I owned and watched on a loop were Godzilla vs Megalon, King Kong vs Godzilla and Godzilla 1985.

     Godzilla 1985 is actually pretty good, compared to those other two. The Japanese title is just Godzilla, but it's usually called The Return of Godzilla, and in America it was Godzilla 1985. Whatever. It was a reboot. Similar to the original, the American version is radically different. For the worse, but not as bad as it could have been. The original plan was make it a straight up comedy, but this didn't happen because Raymond Burr was personally offended by the idea. He took seriously the fact that Godzilla was originally a metaphor for the atomic bomb. So do I. Thanks, Raymond. This one's probably the most important to me, as it was a good, solid, middle of the road depiction of Godzilla. Not as awesome as the original or some of the more recent Toho films, but certainly not terrible.

      That's pretty much what comes to mind when I hear "Godzilla". These days, I associate the original, train chewing imagery with the more accurate "Gojira".

     The hype overshot the reality. I watched this enough to memorize it, but it really is pretty bad. I mean, you can't even equal effects from 1933?

     There's a part where Kong is throwing rocks at a giant octopus, and it's clearly rocks being thrown in front of a screen projecting an octopus. You can see the shadows. They fight Godzilla with electricity, but fortunately electricity makes Kong stronger ("FOR NO RAISIN!"). Kong is the good guy in this one, which is fair, but man, I was upset that he wins. This was actually a very close parallel to Hulk Hogan vs Ultimate Warrior from Wrestlemania VI. It was a dream match to end all dream matches, but the wrong guy won, so I almost wished it didn't happen at all. Actually, no, strike that. Not almost. There was a rumor of an alternate cut where Godzilla wins, which made a sort of sense, because even at 8 years old, I knew that Kong was American and Godzilla was Japanese, and, as an American, if there were two cuts of a film, I'd be getting the one where America won. Jingoism in Monsterville! (As a total digression, I also knew that alternate cuts of films could exist, because of National Lampoon's Vacation. I owned the original and had seen the TV cut with alternate dialogue. "I don't give a frog's fat ass who went through what!" becomes "I don't care who went through what!" That's just as funny.) But in the internet age, I discovered that such an alternate cut never existed, and I shed a single tear.

     Vs Megalon is probably the single worst Godzilla film ever made. In retrospect, these were a good three films to own, because they covered the full spectrum: good, bad and ugly. Not that I didn't enjoy watching it. It's funny as all hell. It even got a Mystery Science Theater episode, which was good, but not as mind blowing as it should have been. It was a Joel, and I'm just a Mike guy. Also...

JET JAGUAR!

     That'll probably explain why I got tears in my eyes during Pacific Rim. I grew up watching and loving a movie about the exact same thing, except it was the shittiest thing ever made. It would be like if a guy loved gangster movies, but for some reason Godfather III was the only one he ever saw, then 1, 2 and Goodfellas all came on at once.

Pacific Rim: the Early Years

    

     And then Gigan came out. Except in this instance, I could probably use "came out" in the more modern sense (he is, after all, a giant space cock). So they were just throwing shit at the wall. Jet Jaguar is amazing, Megalon is one of the worst kaiju in the Godzillaverse, if you ask me. Dust cockroach? That's the best I can do. Gigan is a special case. He's so absurd that he's actually pretty awesome. He's one of my favorites.

     Space rooster with saw belly. I'll allow it. Gigan is probably the most absurd monster Godzilla ever fought, and for that reason, he's become something of a fan favorite. In Godzilla: Final Wars, Godzilla fights every monster he's ever faced, something of a Godzilla Knightfall, and the Gigan redesign looks like he had a baby with a Bruce Campbell Mech.

     Gigan is my second favorite kaiju from the Godzillaverse, after Mechagodzilla. Mechagodzilla is a natural conclusion. Two Japanese trucks crashed into each other: "You got giant monster in my robot!" "You got robot in my giant monster!" It's brilliant. Guillermo del Toro has stated that the Pacific Rim sequel will feature a melding of kaiju and jaegers, so brace yourself for that shit. I read an interview where del Toro said his favorite kaiju movie was the original Gamera, so he's clearly drawing inspiration from the shit as well as the cream. I love it.

"See you in 2016!"

     Two final notes: how awesome is that Megalon poster art? I don't know why they're standing on the World Trade Center, since the entire film is set in Japan. That's also ridiculously out of scale. They're not the only ones, though. King Kong is straddling the trade towers in the poster for his '76 outing. Think about that scale for a minute. But anyway, Godzilla vs Megalon is one of my favorite film posters of all time. I doubt it exists anywhere I could buy, but maybe I'll get one printed some day. Second, is Jet Jaguar already a band name? Probably. If not, I call it.

The Three Stooges

     Ah, the Three Stooges. Let me tell you about the Three Stooges. When I get going about them, more than one person has told me "I had no idea there were people who liked the Three Stooges this much..." They were some of the few true, but seldom recognized, comedy geniuses. I like the Curly and Shemp eras equally (Shemp is truly the dark horse among dark horses. Watch that guy.) Larry is my favorite. I've never met a single other person whose favorite stooge is Larry. I'd kinda like to get a Larry tattoo for that reason. He's always called the middle stooge, because his role was less clearly defined. Moe was the leader, whoever was filling the role of third stooge was the foil. Larry was just "the other guy", but he makes me laugh harder than any of the others. There's just something unnaturally funny about him. Larry makes me laugh just standing there doing nothing. Let me tell you my favorite line of dialogue from a Stooge film, and it will pretty much encapsulate why I love Larry. The scene: the boys have mistakenly purchased a beauty salon in Mexico, thinking it was a saloon. They're discussing how to get out of the deal, then...

Larry: "Wait a minute, wait a minute. There's a lotta money in making homely dames beautiful."
Moe: "Yeah, but you gotta know how."
Larry: "I saw a guy paint a car once with a spray gun."

   I saw a guy... paint a car... once... with a spray gun. I think that's his role (and I've heard people who knew them and historians say this too): Larry was the absurd one. That's the root of my sense of humor. I've said that the three biggest influences that shaped my sense of humor were The Simpsons, Mystery Science Theater 3000, and Mr. Show. That's true, but really I think it all goes back to Larry. They're all rooted in absurdity.
     This also raises another point. The Stooges are remembered for their slapstick, but that was absolutely not the basis of the humor. It was a signature, and sure, I love an eyepoke as much as the next guy, but the Stooge films were not banking on the audience laughing at someone getting hit. The scenarios, the wordplay, the writing was good. Saying the Stooges were a slapstick act would be like saying Zach Galifianakis is a pianist.

     The Stooges (all Jewish) liked to parody the Nazis. Some of their best work even predates Chaplin's The Great Dictator. Funnily, since I was coming to their work four decades later, the first time I ever heard of Nazis was from their films, where they were presented as buffoons. So my first impression of Nazis was "The funny guys!" I still vividly recall playing war with my cousins, and when choosing up sides, I said I wanted to be the Nazis. "No! No! You should never be them! They are awful, terrible people." "Why?" "Uh... they just are." I found out later.
     Thanks again to the internet, I can give you my reaction when asked about the recent Farrelly brothers Stooges film:
"Barf. I had no intention of even watching a trailer, but since I was shown one (before Chronicle, which was surprisingly quite good), I'll admit the three leads can do serviceable impressions of the boys. That's the only positive thing I'll ever say in relation to that abortion.
Of course, plenty of shit has been marketed in the name of the Three Stooges (their own feature films, the cartoon), but at least they were the ones doing it. This just pisses on their legacy. Most people don't take what they did seriously in the first place, but I will steadfastly maintain their position as comedy legends. Were they the Marx Brothers? No. But they were great performers who meant a lot to a lot of people, and that tends to be forgotten. I'm reminded of the story of an elderly Moe stopping by the Columbia lot to reminisce and not being let past the gate. It's sad, and it's wrong. Like this film."

     I take the Stooges seriously.

Curly: Well, me and my pals, we're musicians. We were tearin' up some hot swing music in the York Esther. Gail over there was swingin' her fans. Her sweetie Kirk Robin was inhalin' a bottle of hooch over at a table. And a hoofer by the name of Buck Wing was gettin' ready to shake his tootsies.
Lawyer: Kindly speak English and drop the vernacular.
Curly: Vernacular? That's a derby!
Lawyer: Drop the vernacular.
Curly: *drops hat*

     Final note: I love the Stooges enough that I can even tell you the names of the other actors who frequently collaborated with them. Vernon Dent was one of their most frequent costars, usually as an antagonist. One of my favorite current actors, William Forsythe, looks just like him. I say this because this is probably the only context I'm ever going to have the opportunity to point it out in. So there.

Spider-man

     Spider-man is an interesting one, because his influence was much more far reaching than just loving Spider-man. Spider-man made me love comic books, and Spider-man made me love super heroes. The fact that my entire left arm and half of my torso is covered in comic book super hero tattoos is some indication of how important that was. It all started with Spidey. I still love Spider-man, and I think he's had some pretty great stories over the years (my personal favorite: Kraven's Last Hunt), but he's far from my favorite super hero. Once I got into Batman, I never looked back, but without Spider-man there'd be no comics at all. A poor sort of life.

     The concept of Spider-man, and super heroes, was introduced probably by the '67 animated series, which I had some videos of. Most noteworthy for its amazing theme song (from memory: "Spider-man, Spider-man, does whatever a spider can. Spins a web, any size. Catches thieves just like flies. Look out, here comes the Spider-man. Is he strong? Listen bud. He's got radioactive blood. Can he swing from a thread? Take a look overhead. Hey there, here comes the Spider-man. In the chill of night, at the scene of a crime, like a streak of light, he arrives just in time. Spider-man, Spider-man, friendly neighborhood Spider-man. Wealth and fame? He's ignored. Action is his reward. To him life is a great big bang up, wherever there's a hang up, you'll find the Spider-man.")

     The show was pretty bare bones. As you can see from the picture there, they sort of half assed the animation. Plots were "bad guy does bad thing, Spider-man stops him". Batman the Animated Series it wasn't, but it was my first exposure to these concepts and for that I'm grateful. And, credit where credit is due, that is one hell of a theme song. One of the best of all time. My first birthday cake that I can remember was a Spider-man cake, and when I asked for it, the guy at the store sang that whole song.

     I say "probably" introduced by the animated series, because it might have been these that did it. They entered my life around the same time, so I'll give them dual credit. The Spidey Super Stories were a series of comics for very young children, using trimmed down and simplified stories, but with all the classic Marvel characters, so this was how I found my way into the Marvel universe. (And when I say "all" the classic Marvel characters, I'm not being facetious. I remember stories with like, Kang, and Lockjaw the Time Dog and other really obscure ones. I got in on the ground floor with the Marvel Universe). That issue I've pictured there was my favorite, because I just loved the idea of the Bizarro Spidey. Funny note, he's described as an "evil twin", but since my dad didn't approve of the word evil, my issue of this has every instance crossed out, and "bad" written instead. These were also full of the Marvel Hostess ads of internet meme fame. There was some sort of crossover with The Electric Company. I had no idea what that was (still don't really, besides being some kind of kids show), but the characters occasionally appeared. I was shocked decades later to learn that Easy Reader was Morgan Freeman.

And that ain't no jive.

     I had no idea the Spidey Super Stories were dumbed down, I just thought that's what comics were like, so when I figured that out, I insisted on reading the real stories. This worked out in a way that would prove to be pretty influential too. I was given a few issues of the comic and a book of collected stories. The comics were just whatever happened to be on newstands at the time, and one of them turned out to be this issue:

     This story, written and illustrated by Todd McFarlane, involves Hobgoblin kidnapping a child and disfiguring him, turning his face half demonic. The child insists Hobgoblin is his friend, but he's actually completely insane, murdering anyone he deems to be a sinner. Ghost Rider shows up to seek vengeance for the twelve people Hobgoblin has killed, and Hobgoblin believes Ghost Rider to be Satan himself. As Jack Torrance would say, perfect for a child. So I went immediately from "Oh no, Vulture's getting away with all the Hostess cupcakes!" to that.
     This single issue was just so monumentally influential to me, in both good and bad ways. I'd never seen Ghost Rider before. He's a biker whose head is a flaming skull. And he's dead. And Hobgoblin thinks he's the devil. And look at how Todd draws Hobgoblin:

     I actually think Spider-man has a fairly strong rogue's gallery (not as good as Batman's, but what is?), but for me, Hobgoblin is right at the top, and this is why. You can imagine what I was drawing in art class the next day. So this was when I got introduced to "mature" comics (at eight years old), and probably why I never outgrew comics at all. For that issue, and also that book I mentioned.

     I almost want to say this was Marvel's first trade paper back. I'm really not sure and it's not important enough to research, but this was Stan Lee picking his personal favorite Spider-man stories up to that point. You can imagine how good this is. The classic Norman Osbourne Green Goblin stories are here. The one where Jonah Jameson's son comes back from his spacewalk with his mind altered by spores. The one where Harry gets addicted to drugs and Peter beats the shit out of his dealer. The first Rhino story. More. These are just all really well written, great comic stories. So by being simultaneously introduced to mature content and great writing in comics, I was solidified as a comics fan for life. That's a somewhat convoluted way to get there, but for that reason I will always love Spider-man.
     A good example of what Spider-man means to me, and a funny example of my nerdrage: I don't watch Friends, but once it was on and somebody was talking about Spider-man. Lisa Kudrow says "Why isn't it Spiderman?" pronouncing it like Spiegelman or Lieberman. The audience laughs and no one has an answer. I started choking on my own rage. "BECAUSE THERE'S A DASH, YOU FUCKING MORON!" "What?" someone said to me. "No there's not." "I think you need to check again." "Not in the movies." "I think you need to check again." You may as well have told me the scar on the back of my hand wasn't there.
     Speaking of Spider-man, internet memes, and mature content, I might also note that I had the notorious sexual abuse Spider-man comic.

     It's interesting that people today find this funny or weird, because as a child who loved Spider-man, this comic really just did exactly what they wanted it to. I didn't snicker when I read this or hide it under my bed or anything. I read the story, and when Spider-man said it was OK to tell an adult if someone touched you inappropriately, I believed him. And when he said that something like that had happened to him when he was a kid, what that said to me was: it doesn't mean you did anything wrong and it's OK to talk about. Really, the comic was a great idea. My biggest problem with it was "Who the hell is the Power Pack?" I wish I could track down this issue (I'm sure it's somewhere among my junk), because it's quite the piece of pop culture curio. I had an issue of Archie Meets the Punisher, too.